Evening at the Pumpkin Patch

We had a little visit to the pumpkin patch up the road the other evening. In years past we've always gone on a Saturday morning. I think we will keep going on week evenings from now on. It was not even close to as crowded & the pumpkin patch took on a whole other feel as the sun went down & the lights strung over the pumpkins came on. Bonus: we bought a bag of kettle corn to munch on as we explored. So, so yum!

I think all the kids would agree that their favorite part was petting the little goats & pigs there. They all came up to the fence, tails wagging for a pet from the kids. It was really cute. Jon even shed a tear as we walked away from them because he loved them so much. Fun times, great memories!

Kat's 2nd Birthday Party

Katherine is officially 2! We had a small family party for her last weekend. I borrowed a tutu for her to wear (thanks, Heidi!). So glad I did because she looked so, so cute. Here are some photos from her celebration:

Finishing her bottle with "joy bear" in hand before the party.

Tutu from behind...because it's cute ;)

Even the stuffed animals were ready for some cake
Too great of a photo not to share! Lucy, Uncle Nathanael, Nana & Cousin Benjamin.
We Skyped Kerry & Jeff to help sing "happy birthday"
Jonathan sported a tie for the occasion (his idea) and rocking dad's sunglasses here too.

Hard Things

This has been bouncing around in my head for some time now. I frequently go back & forth on whether or not I want to make it an actual blog post. I think I do though, so here it goes. We've been through a lot with our kids' health over the last 6 or so years. More than most, however not even close to what others have to go through. Our oldest, Emily, started having seizures at 11 months old. We had 6 hospital stays with her for non-stop break through seizures over a 2 year period. Two of those stays landed us in the ICU. On one visit Joel interacted with a mom who over the course of our stay lost her own child. It was heart wrenching and awful to watch. Her story is one that will make even the hardest of hearts sad. We had days where I literally had to get out of the hospital for a bit because it felt too darn heavy. The children's hospital is a paradox. It is a really sad & depressing place if you choose to only view it that way. But, it is also a place that you are so, so grateful for when you have need of it & so thankful for the care that is right there on the other side of the door during such scary times.

Our son, Jonathan, has had 4 febrile seizures over about a year and a half time frame. The first one he had I had the opportunity of witnessing on my own as I was pulling into the urgent care center for other symptoms. The lighter side of that experience was the looks the nurses gave me as they told me they could not believe how calm I was given what was going on. To which I gave them a short explanation that I'd been through it more times than I can really remember with our oldest.

Then our baby Kat started seizing with a virus she had just a few months back. I assumed hers was also febrile like Jon's had been, but found this to be incorrect after we spent a whopping 9 days in the childrens' hospital with her for her non-stop seizures that were kind of a beast to stop. The day I walked her into the ER downtown after her first one and told the receptionist that I was there because she had just had a febrile seizure I got that same baffled look staring back at me. He looked puzzled for a bit & I knew what he was thinking so I told him that both my older kids have had seizures too & I'd been there a lot. He kinda chuckled at me & said that he'd never had anyone so calmly walk in and just casually mention their kid was having seizures. It made me laugh a little too. An odd moment of humor in a kinda scary and, quite frankly, crappy time.

So why am I writing about this now? I guess because I'm still kind of in shock that our 2 daughters are both in this place now. It's so weird. So strange. So totally not what we ever thought we'd be dealing with, but here we are. It has me thinking a lot about hard things. The things we are asked to go through that we would never, ever choose willingly on our own. In a bizarre way I'm kind of thankful for it all. Not that my kids are dealing with this, don't get me wrong! But that it has stretched me in ways I didn't know I could be. Shown me that I'm made of stronger stuff than I give myself credit for. I guess, more correctly, that I am not alone in any of it & that I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Even the hardest of things. It has also opened my eyes to things I would not even be thinking about otherwise. Like all the parents in the world with kids that have long term medical conditions & those in the same situation without the medical care we have right up the street. Like how truly, truly blessed a parent is to carry, birth, and have a healthy child with just normal childhood illnesses here & there. And how many times those parents don't fully realize what a miracle that really is.

It has also taught me to find joy in the midst of sad, hard, depressing times. That that really is possible. Seriously...it is. What can you do when you're stuck in the hospital with a kid who goes 48 hours without any seizures and then out of no where starts up again? Well, first you cry & get upset. Then after a while you start laughing. You find humor in the most ridiculous of places (probably because you are also delusionally tired). Another easy way is to walk through the rest of the hospital & gaze into the open doors noticing the ones that are actually decorated because the child has been there so long. To really look at the other patients you pass in the hallways. To see the parents on their phones with tears as they are explaining the most recent update to those on the other end of the line. That gives you perspective pretty quickly.

I have also learned a lot about gratitude for the "normal" days in my life. The days where we all are home together & just being silly. It's also about learning to rest & let go and realize you can't fix it, can't do it all, can't be it all & that's totally OK. Back in one of Emily's longest stays I found a verse that has become my favorite for some time now. It's Deuteronomy 32:51, "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." As soon as I read this verse I visualized myself laying my head right between the shoulder blades on His back. I could rest & He would cover all that was coming at me from the front. He was my shield. It carried me through that hospital stay & has been something I think about frequently when I'm in a tough time. Learning to rest & stop striving because it doesn't really change a thing anyway.

So yes, we pray that our daughters will grow out of this & it will be a non-issue in the future. But even if it's not & they have to take medication the rest of their lives I'd be OK with that. I'm grateful that they are otherwise healthy, happy, intelligent girls. They are so very resilient too. It's always so amazing to me how much so they are. There are far worse things. Hard things won't kill us. They hurt...a lot, but they also shape us more and more into the people we were created to be. Less and less selfish and more and more outwardly focused. If we let them they can help us focus not on ourselves, but outwardly on those around us. Connecting with the hurt and pains of their lives that, because of what we've experienced, we actually know somewhat of what they are feeling and thinking. And finding healing in the process of being able to love on someone else right in the middle of their own storm that you've already weathered. It's kind of a beautiful picture when you view it that way.

I've also learned, because I've been this person, that when someone is hurting you don't have to say anything. You don't have to have an explanation or encouraging word. Don't have to pray some awesome prayer. All you need say is "I'm sorry." All those really want in that place is someone just to be there with them. Just to acknowledge that it is a hard place and there is pain. And food never hurts either. ;-)

One of the last hospital stays for Emily. Still having fun with daddy.

Same visit. Jonathan was only a few weeks from entering the world, as you can see.

Em's last EEG about a year & a half ago. I told her she was going to get a "colorful ponytail" (the leads they attach to her head all different colored wires). She just liked the extra attention. ;-)

Katherine in the hospital. Still smiling & posing away (she's saying "cheese!").

Kat at home for her 48 hour ambulatory EEG. It was an adventure all it's own. :-)

7 Year Reminder

I love this photo. Love it. Very much. It has been in a green frame in my bathroom for the last 7 years. It is something I don't get tired of looking at. It was taken in the hospital right after Emily, our first child, was born. It was in the hallway as the group was seeing her for the first time through the nursery glass. I love the expressions of genuine joy on everyone's face. I love that it has both her aunt & uncle in it. I love that Joel is right dead center still in his c-section approved daddy get up.

It is a symbol to me. That of change. A moment in our lives that changed everything, forever. The beginning of not only our parenthood years, but also of more maturity, growth and learning to be more selfless. It also became a reminder of that pure joy and lightness that was possible in the weeks to follow after her birth when I was struggling through postpartum depression. I would look at it and so long for that joy and lightness to return to Joel's face and replace the heaviness as he did his best to help me through those dark days.

Now it is also a reminder to me that even in the darkest of times the joy will return. Joy really does come in the morning. It's happened time & time again for me and for us as a family.

So why am I blogging about it today? Because after its 7 year stay in my bathroom it was accidentally knocked off the ledge it sits on this morning & the frame is now broken. Why not get another frame? Because I feel like its time as my daily reminder is done. I still love it & it will join my other favorite photos in one of our albums, but its just time. Can't really fully explain why...just know its time to put it away.

Superhero at Heart

We have a few carnivals, a trunk-or-treat, and a wear-your-costume-to-school day coming up in October. So naturally my mind is starting to think about costumes for the kids. I like to create them out of things we already have at home if possible. That's the frugal side of me coming out. I had picked up a cape and mask a month ago and put it aside for one of Jon's Christmas gifts. I decided I'd give it to him early & use it as part of his costume this year. So today when I presented it to him he totally flipped out. As soon as I got it on him he ran off to the full-length mirror in my room to check himself out. Then he promptly began flying around the house with appropriate superhero flying noises to accompany him. It was very cute. He continued to wear it all afternoon & then wanted to go out and run in the wind to really let the cape fly. It was so cute I had to snap a photo. So here is Superhero Jonathan in his cape, mask,...and pajamas (and a sword he made from the cardboard packaging that came with the cape). ;-)

Retreat, Rest & Renew

Joel and I had the rare & awesome chance to get away for 2 nights earlier this week. And, to give him the praise he's due, it was all Joel's idea. He arranged the childcare & took care of the lodging arrangements all on his own. What a guy! We stayed in an inn in the Texas Hill Country. It was right by a lake & really pretty out there. Our cabin even had a fully stocked kitchen which allowed us to cook together one evening. Something we really enjoy doing, but rarely get the chance to. One of the days we took a guided tour at a local cavern. Joel had never done so & thought it was pretty amazing. In the evenings we walked to the lakeside & enjoyed the sunset. There were tons of turkey vultures living on the property. We unknowingly walked right under some trees they were all resting in one evening & they all took off in flight simultaneously. It was awesome to watch happen right above your head. Both mornings we had our coffee and breakfast out on the covered porch in rocking chairs and watched the birds, squirrels and butterflies around us. It was a wonderful time of quiet, peace, and rest. It was much needed and we are both grateful we got the chance to do so!

The cabin we stayed in. It was full of blue...my favorite color.

Inside the cavern.

Part of the dinner we got to prepare together. This was our appetizer: bruschetta and parmesan cheese with a bottle of Sangiovese wine I'd been saving from my trip to California this past summer.

Sunset in front of the lake. It was so pretty.

Our stupid face photo. Apparently Joel's favorite of the trip.

Last Swim

I got out our little backyard pool for the last time this evening. Gotta love Texas for a swim 6 days into fall! Here's a photo for ya.